NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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