my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
