you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i dont even know how to be here
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
