Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you inspire me to be a worse person
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
