At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
