the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
