I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
