remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
