I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
