Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
