Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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