Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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