I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
