it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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