Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
