Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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