and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
