she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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