Are we in a gay sports bar?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
