My Higher Power is John Stamos
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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