i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
