How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
