well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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