i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
