Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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