I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
