So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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