how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
