Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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