bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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