I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
