so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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