everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she smelled like a LAN party
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
