You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
