Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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