Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
