Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
