i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
