swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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