I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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