This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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