I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
