Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize