Sry I called you an 8
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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