This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
