u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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