Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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