I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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