You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
