Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
