just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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