Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
please come you make the beer taste better
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
