What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
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Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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