She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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