She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
