Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
