I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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