i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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