if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
